The term cheating is one that elicits cringes of fear, gasps of horror.
What comes to mind when you hear it?
Most likely you imagine that a partner in a committed relationship had sexual intercourse with someone outside of their relationship.? But cheating can look like many things to many people.
To some it may indeed refer to sexual intercourse only.? To others it could be anything from an emotional attachment to another, fantasies of other partners, a kiss.
Rather than use the term cheating here, something that makes me think more of copying someone else?s answers on a test and less about who you share your body or heart with and when, I am going to use the term infidelity.
I define infidelity as any action that violates an implicit or explicit agreement between two people, thereby undermining the relationship.? The action may be physical or emotional in nature.? Dishonesty is often but certainly not always part of an infidelity.
As a relationship and sex therapist, infidelity is not a new or foreign topic to me.? It is in fact, one of the most common causes of couples seeking counseling.
Infidelity, whether considered, presumed, or committed.? To most couples, infidelity signifies a crisis.
Some can repair the damage done, turn an infidelity into an opportunity for growth and reconnection.? And some can?t, the loss of trust being irreparable for one, the continued anger and blame intolerable for the other.
I tend to be pretty proactive and pre-emptive in my work so my focus here is to talk about what I believe leads to infidelity and what I think you can do about it.
But first, a disclaimer. I am an LPC (licensed counselor) with a private practice in Portland, OR.? Portland is a very sex positive city with a visible and strong female presence.
The majority of my clients are ages 20-40 and most of them, particularly the women, I have noticed, have done a lot of thinking and talking about their sexuality before coming to see me.
What that means is that I am working with a pretty savvy group of folks here and they have a good grasp on what they want out of their sex lives.
Among this group of men and women, there is a fairly equal mix of those for whom a committed and monogamous long-term relationship is a goal and those for whom it is not.
More and more individuals and couples I work with are trying out open relationships because the concept of sexual exclusivity doesn?t jive with their worldview.
Some of the couples I work with who sought counseling due to an infidelity did so because they were trying to maintain a monogamous relationship based on their partners needs (or ultimatums) but couldn?t.
Certainly though, it is just as common for monogamy to have been a clearly stated (and not only assumed) mutually agreed upon desire and choice.
But the risk in monogamous relationships is that sex can start to feel lacking or uninteresting over time.? Some describe feeling like they or their partners feel like sex is more of a chore then an enjoyable way to get or give pleasure or connect.
I have many times heard it stated in session that they aren?t ready to give up and resign themselves to a sexless life and that if their partner can?t meet their needs, they will get them met elsewhere.
So what leads to affairs??
Here is what I see.? Reasons that are either 1. Emotional 2. Physical or 3. Practical
1. Emotional ????
Probably the most commonly cited cause of infidelity is a sense of emotional disconnection from a partner.? The person engaging in the infidelity will often describe having felt unappreciated, lonely, and sad.? They might fear abandonment or rejection.
These emotions can often lead to feelings of anger and resentment.? Emotional dissatisfaction can lead to affairs both emotional and physical in nature.
People may seek out others for emotional support and validation.? Or sex may be withheld from a partner because of anger.
2. Physical ????
In some cases a partner who has engaged in an infidelity will cite sexual dissatisfaction as being the reason they strayed.
In these cases sex may be not as often as they would like or as fulfilling as they would like; either because they are not receiving pleasure or reaching climax or because it lacks a certain chemistry or passion.
While for some, physical relationships can only feel enjoyable or safe when there is trust and intimacy, for others those same factors can make sex feel strange or awkward.
Some pairings are also just not as sexually compatible as others.? What turns one person on might make another deeply uncomfortable.
3. Practical ????
One thing I have observed in my practice is that there has been a shift in thinking, especially in younger generations, about the practicality and benefits of monogamy.
More and more people are choosing lifestyles and relationships that are non-monogamous.? But there is not yet a road map for how to have successful open relationships so people are crossing boundaries without a clear plan, honest communication, and clear expectations.
For instance, the primary factors that delineate an open relationship from an infidelity are mutual agreement and honesty.?
Here are the 6 things I believe everyone can do in order to minimize the risk of infidelity.?
1. Do the work it takes to get to know yourself as a sexual person.
Read books, take a workshop, talk to a counselor, journal.? Study your sexuality as you would any other subject you were trying to master.
Increase your own awareness about what you like and don?t like, what you fantasize about, how you like to be touched and where, what you would like to try.
2. Communicate who you are sexually to your partner
Don?t assume that they know!? Have an honest conversation at a time when you both feel relaxed.? This conversation doesn?t have to be about your particular sexual relationship with your partner, though that can be part of it.
It?s really about you.? Share as much as you filling willing to about what you learned from your work mentioned above.
3.? Ask questions and listen to who they are as a sexual person.
Learning about your partner?s desires and fantasies can both increase intimacy and be terribly fun!? You might think you know what your partner likes but chances are, unless you have asked them, you don?t know all of it.
One of the best things that can come from open dialog about sexuality is that it reminds partners of their own autonomy.? In order to desire someone else, they simply must be acknowledged as being a separate individual than you!
Knowing that you are curious about them as a sexually autonomous individual interested in exploring with them and can also help reduce risk that your partner will stray.
4.? Keep an open mind and heart and be willing to try new things together.
Try not to judge. In the realm of sexuality, almost anything goes (I say almost because the one caveat is that if another person is involved, it must be consensual).
People?s sexual desires and expressions are hugely varied and you should avoid making assumptions about what they mean as it is unique to each individual.
A general rule of thumb is to try anything once.? Getting outside of your comfort zone sexually can be an amazing growth experience and you may find that you are deeply attracted to things you had not before considered.
5. Affairs are distractions and people distract themselves when they are bored or unhappy.? An affair is a ?quick fix? with the long-term consequence, even if not discovered.
If you are bored or unhappy in your relationship, it?s easy to be more ?open? to others.? Something that may start as a lighthearted flirtation or pleasant conversation can quickly deepen and become a consuming distraction.
This is a slippery slope and can ultimately undermine any hopes of improving things with your partner.? Instead of distracting yourself and avoiding the problem, try to remain present and engaged with your partner.
Check yourself to see if you are doing something that you are not telling your partner about and ask yourself if it would make them uncomfortable if they did.? You and your partner share mutual responsibility for your relationship.
6.? Be honest.? Honest with yourself and honest with your partner.
Too many couples avoid the topic of sex, especially when it has been a long period of time since partners have had sex, because the subject feels too tense and overwhelming.
Continued avoidance makes it harder and harder to bridge the gap.? Honesty early on (before an affair) about your concerns can create an opening for a new level of intimacy.
Honesty after an affair will demonstrate accountability and remorse.? Many partners who ?discover? an affair say that the discovery and the deception were the worst part.
I strongly believe that any couple can improve their sex life at any time.? The biggest hurdle is starting to talk about a problem that has been ignored, like an elephant in the room.
Because of this, I highly recommend that couples call out the issue quickly and with respect and compassion.? Seeking the help of a counselor can facilitate this process and help break down any tension that might be building, providing a safe space in which to talk about it.
Couples can also read books or watch movies together (yes, this can include pornography) in order to open up a conversation about sexual experiences that you or your partner might be interested in having.? It is much easier to prevent an affair from happening then to repair the effects of having one.
Yes, your sexual needs are important.? If, after following the steps above, you find that you and your partner are still not able to enjoy sex together or remain committed to an agreement of monogamy, then the relationship might not be right for you.
If that is the case, discuss it with your partner and see if you want to work together to create a new plan or can agree to part ways with understanding and kindness.
About the author
Alyssa Siegel is a Licensed Professional Counselor with a private practice in Portland, Oregon where she works with individuals and couples, specializing in relationships and sexuality.
She is a member of the American CounselingAssociation, the National Board of Certified Counselors, the National Coalitionfor Sexual Freedom, and the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality.
Alyssais a contributing author to the book ?Your Brain On Sex, How Smarter Sex Can Change Your Life? and is regular columnist for Psychology Tomorrow.?
For more information please visit www.alyssasiegel.com.
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- 8 Tips To Affair-Proof Your Marriage
- How To Affair-Proof Your Marriage
- 5 Tips On Building Trust After An Affair
- 49 Tips On How To Recover From An Affair
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